Statement of Record

#MillennialPocalypse

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TWITTER

@BBCnews why are the millennials dying en masse? One week since the epidemic began, here’s what we know so far #MillennialPocalypse

 

TELEGRAPH ONLINE

Few noticed it at first, the initial wave of deaths. Perhaps there were a few less Deliveroo drivers clogging up the streets. A dearth of mocha-choca-calorie-free-free-range-organic-fairtrade-edamame-latte pop up vendors. A few less online quizzes.

Then, as the days wore on, the message started to spread; the apparent sudden deaths with unknown causes of those in the age group questionably called “millennials.” That the deaths came in waves only caused more concern. Was it the new AIDS? A SARS outbreak? Some kind of social media virus…

 

WHATSAPP

10:44am

<Hey, have you seen this bollocks?>

SCREENSHOT

<Yeah my Nan reads that paper. It’s so jokes>

<Bloody rag. You alright yeah?>

<Yep, still fine since an hour ago>

<Just checkin, innit>

<Yeah I know. Thanks. You gonna go to the protest?>

<What protest?>

SCREENSHOT—<Millennial Day of Rage: “We will not accept our impending deaths lying down! Meet at Trafalgar Square at 12 pm and show death we mean business”>

<Looks fucking stupid>

<Haha I know but what else is there to do>

<Alright, meet you there. 11:45. On top of our favorite lion!>

<OK babes. Roar! (lion emoji)>

11:15am

<Jack>

<I’m feeling kinda weird>

 

FACEBOOK

Is This the Millennial Genocide? Conspiracy Theories Flood Internet Saying Government CAUSED the Waves of Death

 

BUZZFEED

When’s Your Death Day? Today? Tomorrow? The Next Day? Take Our Fun Online Test to Find Out.

(Linked article) Donut Holes Dipped in Custard Are Now a Thing and the Internet Is Freaking Out About It!

 

TWITTER

@DonaldJTrump #MillennialPocalypse down to Obama care. Mexican flu wiping out our best and brightest. Too many injections. Sad #BuildTheWall

@JKRowling the shining lights of the next generation are being snuffed out one by one. Neo-fascist newspapers rejoice. What a day to be alive.

@JustinBieber yo guys am I millennial or the one below that? Should I be worried about this shit? Let me know thnx

 

DAILY MAIL

Softest Generation Yet Can’t Even Bother to Cling On to Life

(Sub headline) CORpse Blimey! Love Island Hotties Buried in Sexiest Funeral Scenes Yet

(Sub headline) Scorching Heat Wave Set to Send Temperatures Across Britain Higher than Hawaii

 

WHATSAPP

11:30am

<Jack, hi. It’s your granny. I still haven’t quite worked out this iPiece you gave me. Lots on the telly about young people dying. Something to do with the Millennium? Is this Y2K? Let me know you’re alright dear. P.S. sorry for voting Brexit.>

 

FINANCIAL TIMES

Supermarkets Saturated With Rotting Avocados as Millennial Plague Strikes Organic Retailers Hardest

 

MYSPACE

…………..

 

FACEBOOK SHARE POST

Umm yah so I just saw this article and thought I’d share it on my timeline cos it looked really important. But tbh I didn’t actually read because like you know TL; DR especially if we’re all about to die lol

 

INDEPENDENT ONLINE

Shock, Pain, Anger, Depression—the Millennials are Reaching the Final Stages of Grief—#Acceptance

 

TWITTER

@TruthWizard guys, we need to #accept our fate! If it’s our time to go it’s our time to go. We’re all in this together #Acceptance

@BuzzfeedNews new craze sweeps dying millennials. Death selfies! AKA—#delfies

 

INSTAGRAM

@GeorgieRoxx For my #delfie I’m wearing @maybelline foundation and beautiful mascara from @EsteeLauder. Thanks to my BFFs for preparing it! Love and kisses and see you on the other side #delfie #MillenialPocalypse #lookinggoodfeelingdead #Acceptance #Love #seeya

 

TWITTER

@GuardianOnline Organic burial pods that turn corpses into living trees coffin of choice for dying millennials

@HaybailsAndSunflowers RT guys! This is beautiful. We can live forever and do our bit for the environment. Time to plant the #MillennialForest

@TreeCasket together with @VitaCoco coconut water we’re holding a love-in/die-in @HydePark! Anyone to die will get a free tree burial!

@BBCnews millennials flock to London’s Hyde Park for mass die-in. Images to follow. #MillennialPocalypse

 

WHATSAPP

6:56pm

<Jill, I wish you were still here to see this babe. It’s chaos. Madness. Pretty much all the young people in the country have come to Hyde Park. To die. I guess I’m one of them. It’s kinda beautiful really. Like a festival. Glitter and shit everywhere. Even Skrillex is playing. Everyone’s like dancing and partying, then they just get tired and start dying. Then their mates or whoever’s nearby pack them into one of the pods and bury them. Then they’re gonna grow back as trees. You’d love it. I gotta go. Dizzee Rascal’s done a remix of the funeral march by Chopin. Lol.>

 

BBC ONE

A New Forest Rises—A Special Feature with Sir David Attenborough

“From the ashes comes new life. A forest soars from the soil in as many varieties as the earth can muster. Elegant ash. Exotic palm. Even the humble fig. With nobody telling them what they can or can’t be, the millennials can express themselves in whatever way they choose. Perhaps like this specimen, with these glorious, flowering marigolds. Others have chosen something rather more intimidating, like this one with its trunk covered by these fearsome spikes. Ouch! Hmm. A warning, reminding me that, while I’m welcome here, I’m not one of them.

This fascinating new eco-system in the heart of London has had huge impact upon the city. The vast amounts of oxygen it creates has helped reduce greenhouse gasses by 50%. The air in the capital has seldom been so fresh! One surprising side effect is the huge surge in anxiety conditions of Baby Boomers. Scientists suspect there is something in the pollen being given off by the forest. Perhaps the millennials are having one last joke at our expense.

Beneath the soil, this young forest is bound together. The roots dig deep and intertwine. They are constantly connected by a technology as old as time. What was once called a plague, others are now calling a blessing. It seems that the millennials, once struggling to belong, have finally found their eternal community.”

 

 

 

About the author

Daniel Ayres is a Berlin-based writer from the UK. His stories have been published in The Forge, Open Pen and Transnational Queer Underground amongst others. He is passionate about the importance of satire in the age of instant communication, social media, and nonsense news headlines. He is currently falling in love with scriptwriting.

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