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Liven Up Your Next Party with a Dark N Stormy Daniels™

L
Better With a Spank!

Need a cocktail to serve at your soiree? Bored by traditional options, old fashioned Old Fashioneds or Cosmopolitans that leave you feeling lost in suburbia? Then look no further than a Dark N Stormy Daniels™, enjoyed by drink connoisseurs since its long-ago invention in the seedy confines of a Lake Tahoe celebrity golf tournament.

The key to nailing your Dark N Stormy Daniels is that delicate balance between the spice of your Adult Film Star and the richness of your POTUS. Depending on brand selections, playing around with cup sizes is highly recommended. You’ll know you have the right concoction when the hue is auburn like “burnt Cheetos,” or takes the “nascent yellow of a baby chick.” Works best when chased with a Moscow Mule.

Ingredients:
  • 2 ounces Adult Film Star, young vintage
  • 5 ounces Soon To Be President Of The United States, aged 60 years
  •  One TRUMP Magazine, preferably rolled up (in a pinch, any Rupert Murdoch periodical will suffice)
Directions (total duration, five minutes):
  • Perch Adult Film Star, POTUS, and Magazine on one King Sized hotel bed.
  • Spank.
  • Garnish with a Tweet.

Serve unsheathed. For best results, consume in a hush-hush, intimate setting. Payments to follow.

Note: Dark N Stormy Daniels is a trademarked product of Stolichnaya, FKP Soyuzplodimport & SPI Group.

About the author

Phineas Lambert is a native New Yorker. His writing has appeared in The Deal, The Washington Examiner and The Satirist, among others. He is the Program Director at WriteOn NYC, which provides writing teachers to underserved school children. He’s also Head of Business and Partnerships at Guernica. Phin has an MFA in Creative Writing from The New School and an MBA from Columbia Business School.

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