Statement of Record

CBS Announces New Season of Survivor

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By Phineas Lambert

—Washington: Red, White and Bruised
America has spoken! Megahit returns for 36th iteration.

Emmy Award-producer Mark Burnett, in conjunction with Trump Media, offers ‘Survivor’ with a political twist.

WASHINGTON/PR NEWSWIRE: The Emmy Award-winning series Survivor will return for its most anticipated season since Heroes vs. Villains. Hosted by Emmy Award-winner Jeff Probst, Donkeys vs. Elephants will pit twenty Senatorial castaways in a punishing investigation of political credentials as they attempt to outwit, outplay and outlast*.

“We are thrilled to announce this new landmark season of Survivor. Our groundbreaking show has forever altered TV and will now do the same for the American political landscape,” said a spokesperson for CBS Entertainment.

Watch as Captains Elizabeth Warren and Ted Cruz help their political allies survive in nothing but tents and t-shirts on the unforgiving, frigid floor of the Capitol Room. Locked inside, these captains of America will have to make do without blackberries, aides, or kickbacks. Not even their Congressional healthcare can save them. Each week, the tribes will square off in another grueling event, including fundraising for Planned Parenthood, answering quick-fire debate questions without slandering opponents, and simulating Congressional evacuations.

Those watching at home will have a chance to get up close and personal with the next round of Presidential hopefuls during a quiet, get-to-know-you drink with Jeff Probst. A Twitter poll will measure which contestant has the strongest politico-you’d-want-to-enjoy-a-cold-one-with score. The castaway with the highest tally will receive a lifetime supply of Busch Lite.

Exxon Mobil has signed on as sponsor; the Fortune 500 player will provide weekly payments to challenge winners. “We’re very excited for a special appearance by [Secretary of State and former Exxon CEO] Rex Tillerson himself,” the CBS spokesperson added. “I can’t divulge too much, but one thing’s for sure: there will be a gasoline-based challenge. So get ready to feel greasy.”

Following each event, the vanquished party will be forced to say goodbye to one of its own. But there’s a twist: U.S. citizens will decide who Survives. It’s a return to true democracy with this season’s slogan, “America has spoken!”

After thirty-nine days, one glorious legislator will accomplish the ultimate goal of survival** and be crowned Speaker of The House by President Donald J. Trump, earning the deserved title of Survivor: Red, White & Bruised.

Will bipartisan alliances form? How will the voting map color up? Will California secede? The fate of the free world hangs in the balance Tuesday nights on CBS.

Notes:

*Major parties only. Green Party members and Libertarians were deemed insufficiently patriotic and not welcomed to participate.

**$1 million prize replaced by Super PAC contribution.

About the author

Phineas Lambert is a native New Yorker. His writing has appeared in The Deal, The Washington Examiner and The Satirist, among others. He is the Program Director at WriteOn NYC, which provides writing teachers to underserved school children. He’s also Head of Business and Partnerships at Guernica. Phin has an MFA in Creative Writing from The New School and an MBA from Columbia Business School.

Statement of Record